My Special Connection:
Music and How It Has Impacted My Life
Rachel Sproule
A Special Connection:
Music And How It’s Impacted My Life
Rachel E. Sproule ©2015 Rachel Sproule
All Rights Reserved
Contents
Dedication....................................................................................I
Prologue.......................................................................................II
Track 1: Suicide Alive...................................................................7
Track 2: Pieces of a Broken Heart................................................9
Track 3: More than Words Can Say...........................................11
Track 4: Never Say Goodbye......................................................13
Track 5: Believe This Is Goodbye................................................15
Track 6: Better Than You............................................................17
Track 7: Dear Trevor...................................................................19
Track 8: Role Model...................................................................21
Track 9: Anesthesia....................................................................23
Track 10: This Is Life...................................................................25
Track 11: BFF..............................................................................27
Track 12: Again...........................................................................29
Track 13: Grandma’s Song..........................................................31
Track 14: Cinderella....................................................................32
Track 15: Beautiful Imperfections (Braden’s Song)....................34
Track 16: Dysthymia...................................................................35
Track 17: Turn Back Time...........................................................36
Epilogue.....................................................................................38
About The Author......................................................................39
Dedication
For Colleen Gagne, who helped write my first song.
For Trevor Dahl, Ryan Dunson, and Braden Barrie who have influenced me lyrically.
Thank you, I love you!
Foreword (Prologue)
My name is Rachel Sproule. I’m 20 years old and live in Upstate NY. I’m not your average girl. I have a disability called Cerebral Palsy. Cerebral Palsy affects the part of the brain responsible for balance, vision, speech, and motor control. CP has affected my legs, impairing my balance and how I walk, fine motor skills in my left hand, my vision, and I have seizures. I also have a twin sister who has Cerebral palsy, but not to the same extent. If you looked at her, you wouldn’t be able to tell she even had a disability unless you asked her. But looking at me, you’d notice I walk with a walker, I have trouble with keeping eye contact with people because I have something called Nystagmus. Nystagmus literally means “an involuntary movement of the eyes”. So I can’t lie, sometimes I fake keeping eye contact with people just by looking at them but I think it’s pretty obvious. I’m also very quiet until you get to know me, then I pretty much don’t shut up! I may be kind of negative, but I don’t mean to.
When you live with a disability where you can’t see more than 6 feet in front of you, you can’t drive, have to rely on people to take you places, have had to go under anesthesia 2-3 times a year since you were 5 years old, and couldn’t take a shower independently like your twin sister until the age of 20 I think I have a little bit of room to be negative, don’t you ? Okay, I think I’m done now I just had to vent.
One thing my disabilities hasn’t affected is my love of music and singing. I’ve been in choir since I was in 6th grade, and I had a solo in 9th grade. I’ve also had the pleasure of singing on stage with one of my favorite bands. They’ve given me the confidence to get up in front of groups of people to sing or talk. Music has always been a very important part of my life. When I was younger, I listened to pop artists like Hilary Duff, Jesse McCartney, and Clay Aiken. When I was younger, I didn’t understand the meaning behind lyrics; I just really liked the artists because their songs were catchy and upbeat. When I was in 5th grade, I started listening to Celine Dion (and still do today.) My mom recalls that it was a lifelong dream to see Celine live in concert, and when I was 18 years old that dream was fulfilled!
My mom had asked me what I wanted for a graduation present since my sister got a car. It was sad to say at the time, but I said “I want to be able to go take a shower whenever I want. I hate having to wait for whenever it’s convenient for you or anybody else to help me. I hate having to rely on peoples’ schedules in order to SHOWER!” It’s a normal part of everyday life that shouldn’t need to be scheduled. My mom thought that was a reasonable request, but we both knew that wasn’t going to come overnight, or even in a week. “What else would you want?” she asked. “I want to go see Celine.” I said.
I remember I was in the room with her when she made the call to Las Vegas to purchase tickets, because I remember signaling to her to find a way to get a meet and greet. When she got off the phone, she handed me an email she wrote down that the box office gave her. When it got closer to the date I had sent the email 3 different emails with subjects that were destined to catch someone’s eye.
In the email we told them my name, my seat number and a little bit about how Celine has affected my life. We didn’t hear anything, and my mom even admitted to physically mailing the information to 1 or 2 of the producers of the show, which I didn’t even know about until later on. When we got to Vegas we went to the box office the day of the show to make sure the seats we ordered were in fact the seats we had. We started telling the lady at the box office Daniella, my story about how big of a fan of Celine I was. She thought it was adorable and she was touched and getting emotional.
“Sometimes her assistant comes through I can make sure someone gets this.” She said after she read the copy of the email we sent to the Celine VIP address.
“Really?” I asked excited.
“I can try.” Daniella said. “No promises though.”
When we left to go do the Titanic exhibit at another huge hotel in Vegas, (Ironic right? We did the Titanic exhibit on the day we were going to see Celine Dion and her trademark song is “My Heart Will Go On” from the movie Titanic! I had to laugh when I thought about the irony!) I was incredibly excited for the night ahead.
That night, we got to the theatre and it turned out the seats weren’t what we expected. The seats we were supposed to have were one was supposed to roll out so my wheelchair could go in because my mom didn’t want to risk losing my wheelchair 2,000 plus miles from home. The usher’s walkie-talkie didn’t work so she was arguing with my mom. In the middle of the argument, a lady came up and asked if I was Rachel. She was wearing a black shirt, a black lanyard that said Celine Dion on it and she had light blonde hair.
“I’m Lisa, I work for Celine. I read your email this morning.”
I was in shock. I honestly didn’t anyone would read it. “Is there a way I can meet Celine?” I asked.
“Unfortunately, she’s very busy before the show, and after the show she gets changed and goes home because she lives 45 minutes away.” Lisa said sadly.
“Oh, is there a way I can get her autograph?” I asked.
“Maybe, if you give me something for her to autograph and your address I might be able to send you something in the mail.”
I gave her a picture of Celine I bought in the Celine Dion store. And, of course my mom “happened” to have address labels in her purse.
“The first thing we’re going to do is change your seats.” Lisa says motioning for us to follow her. “How’s this?” she asks.
“Good.” I said.
“Enjoy the show!” she said walking away.
The show was amazing! The acoustics were incredible. The show seemed to go by too quick. Learning from experience it’s never a good idea to fight a large crowd with a wheelchair. While we were getting our stuff together, a man comes up behind me and says
“Miss Rachel?”
My mom told me later that he was the head usher because he was wearing a jacket and bowtie but I couldn’t tell because it was kind of dark. When I turned around I noticed that he was holding a black paper bag filled with tissue paper.
“Who’s it from?” I asked.
“Open it and find out!”
I opened the bag, pulled back the tissue paper and the first thing I saw was a picture of Celine that said “To Rachel- Love Celine xo …” Which I figured out was a show program. It also had a Celine Dion shirt, a CD, a magnet, a keychain, a pen, and a hat. Two weeks later I received the Celine picture I gave to Lisa in the mail.
The next day I took a picture in front of the Celine Dion poster wearing the shirt, baseball cap and I was holding her autograph before we had to catch our flight home.
I sent Lisa a picture of me with everything and a note thanking her for everything that night. I’m not sure if she ever got it but needless to say it was one of the best nights of my life.
When I was thirteen, I became depressed and involved myself more deeply in music. I started trying to focus on the lyrics more and tried to understand more of what the artist was saying (or what I thought they were trying to say). I can’t lie, sometimes I’ll listen to Hilary Duff once awhile because I can understand and relate to her old stuff. Sometimes you just have to. Ever since I was thirteen, I’ve been listening to music to help me get through the ups and downs of my adolescence. When I was fifteen, I started writing my own song lyrics.
When I was 15 I wrote my first song. Later in this book, I’ll explain who inspires my writing style, and the songs I write. I’ll also tell you how music has changed my life. In this book, you’ll find a little part of me. You’ll discover the music I grew up listening to, every song I have written, and the meanings behind them.
“Suicide Alive”
“Suicide Alive” was written based on the suicide of Tyler Clamenti in September of 2010. Tyler jumped off of a bridge because his roommate Dahrun Ravi took a video of him having sex with his boyfriend. Ravi’s punishment was 30 days in jail and living with the guilt of what he did. My song “Suicide Alive” is about a similar situation where a girl is also bullied. She uses a form of self-mutilation known as cutting to alleviate her stress. Her friends are the only ones who knew that she was cutting. One night she cut into herself too deep and ended up bleeding to death. This song is about the effect of bullying and what can happen if it goes too far.
One cut she would say
And I’ll be okay
She knew this was
A risk she had to take
She knew this was the day
But was too afraid to say
Her friends would just have to live with the ache
And she took that knife to her veins
The blood dripped down like the cold midnight rains
And that night she died
All because of suicide
Her friends thought about the love that she gave
As they were walking passed her dark abandoned grave
“Remember way back when” They would say
They thought about her memories everyday
They wondered why she felt like that
They found a letter to her sister Kat
And she took that knife to her veins
The blood dripped down like the cold midnight rains
And that night she died
All because of suicide
I just had to do it the letter said
No one saw the tears she shed
I felt like no one understood
Even if they thought they could
I felt like I never belonged here
I tried not to shed a single tear
I never answered my telephone
I felt like I was all alone
And she took that knife to her veins
The blood dripped down like the cold midnight rains
And that night she died
All because of suicide
“Pieces of a Broken Heart”
“Pieces of a Broken Heart” is pretty self-explanatory. My sister just ended things with her long distance boyfriend and since she doesn’t write poems or songs I thought I would. She would always ask me if she did the right thing, and she would wait for him to message her on Facebook because she was afraid to contact him first.
You feel like this is the end
You started as just friends
But can it ever mend?
You never knew it would turn out this way
You wonder day by day
Because there’s nothing left to say
You wonder what made you drift apart
You knew this long-distance would break your heart
Now you’re picking up the pieces
Pieces of a broken heart
You mope around the house for days
You miss his old ways
He knows he needs you
And you need him too
You text each other every night
After you turn out the light
You dream about the love he gave
You wonder what made you drift apart
You knew this long-distance would break your heart
Now you’re picking up the pieces
Pieces of a broken heart
You always ask if you did the right thing
You sit there waiting for your phone to ring
You always complain how you want him back
You wonder what made you drift apart
You knew this long-distance would break your heart
Now you’re picking up the pieces
Pieces of a broken heart
“More Than Words Can Say”
“More Than Words Can Say” is a song I wrote for my best friend Cate, and it says almost everything that we’ve done together in the six years we’ve known each other. I hope even after we graduate from high school we still remain friends.
Your friendship means so much
More than I can say
We have so many memories
I think about them everyday
We spend so much time together
No matter what weather
Remember the time went for a walk in the cold?
The things we do together never get old
Sitting on a swing listening to music all day
And wishing you didn’t have to go away
I wrote this song just tell you how much your friendship means to me
I’m just thinking back on memories
I don’t think I can tell you any other way
Because our friendship means more than words can say
Remember when we saw Black Veil Brides
And screamed when Andy was by our sides?
Remember going to boulevard
Or hanging out in my front yard
Remember going to the state fair?
And when I’d let you straighten my hair
I wrote this song just tell you how much your friendship means to me
I’m just thinking back on memories
I don’t think I can tell you any other way
Because our friendship means more than words can say
Remember looking at weird cards
That made us laugh really hard?
Staying at Boulevard for an hour
And coming home to you breaking my shower
The time we were at Crossgates Mall
And security guards chased us through the hall
I loved those little games
Thank God they didn’t ask for our names!
Remember taking weird pictures in the sun
And Andie making a Facebook album “eHarmony anyone?”
When we did the solo for Defying Gravity”
And almost every day you’d hang out with me
From 6th grade when we became friends
I hope our friendship never ends
“Never Say Goodbye”
“Never Say Goodbye” isn’t about a specific situation; it is really just a story that I wrote that ends on a positive note. “Suicide Alive”, on the other hand, is a story that ends negatively. This is about how suicide isn’t the answer. There’s always help.
You sit in your room
Ashamed of yourself
You look in the mirror
And cry out for help
Afraid of the face
Of the girl that you see
You’ve been running for years
So now run here to me
I’ll be your angel
To keep you alive
Whenever you need me
I’m right by your side
I’ll be your call
You don’t have to hide
From your problems forever
You’ll never have to say goodbye
You’re lying in bed
You can’t fall asleep
Tears on your pillow
From bad thoughts that creep
Your head starts to pound
To the beat of your heart
So you blast the best song
From the band Stellar Kart
I’ll be your angel
To keep you alive
Whenever you need me
I’m right by your side
I’ll be your call
You don’t have to hide
From your problems forever
You’ll never have to say goodbye
“Believe This Is Goodbye”
“Believe This Is Goodbye” is an apology song from my sister to her first boyfriend.
One night you were on the phone
You said I just want to be alone
You’re talking to that “Special Someone”
And you say
I believe this is goodbye
I think you know why
I’m sorry I let you go on that dark October night
The distance was just too much
And I’m sorry
I wish you would forgive me
I know it stopped at an abrupt end
I screwed up my life, my boyfriend
I know I said I was done
But I’ll try harder next time if there is one
I believe this is goodbye
I think you know why
I’m sorry I let you go on that dark October night
The distance was just too much
And I’m sorry
I wish you would forgive me
If only I could bring back the past
Wishing that kiss wasn’t our last
I know what I did was wrong
So I wrote this apology in a song
“Better Than You”
“Better Than You” is a song I wrote for my ex-boyfriend after he broke up with me for the 4th time. We would continually break up because he wanted to date girls from his school. Once he even dumped me for some girl he didn’t know in an online chat room. After a few days he tried to apologize, saying the girl lied about who she really was, and that he wanted me back (yeah right). So obviously, I said “no way” and wrote this song.
Meeting you four years ago
It took me awhile
To let you know
I loved you
I knew you loved me too
But you kept breaking us up
I’m done with your game
Hiding everything
But the pain still hurt the same
After the third time I knew
I could do better than you
Between us were many highway miles
It tore us apart
Then you decided
To break my heart
I knew you loved me too
But you kept breaking us up
I’m done with your game
Hiding everything
But the pain still hurt the same
After the third time I knew
I could do better than you
“Dear Trevor”
“Dear Trevor” is basically a thank-you note to an artist named Trevor, who I’ve had the pleasure of meeting. I gave him this song when I met him in November of 2011 and he told me no one had ever done that for him before. When I saw him in January, I asked him if he remembered the song I gave him and he said, “Yes, in fact this might sound weird, but I keep it in my wallet!” He took the song out of his wallet that I gave him 3 months earlier. I was shocked, but it was a great feeling knowing that such a small gesture from one of his fans meant so much to him.
Dear Trevor
There’s so much I want to say
But I can’t find a good way
I admire everything you do
I want to be just like you
Ever since coming across your music
You’ve pushed me to follow my dreams
No matter how hard it seems
There’s one thing left to say
Thank you
I played a song for a talent show
I felt like I had to let this dream go
I made mistakes in front of a huge crowd
At the end they cheered so loud
They gave me a standing ovation
I felt Determination
To keep trying
Ever since coming across your music
You’ve pushed me to follow my dreams
No matter how hard it seems
There’s one thing left to say
Thank you
Many times I’ve felt like
This was a waste of my time
I feel like this is something I can never do
I wish I could record a song with you
“Role Model”
“Role Model” is another thank you song for an artist named Ryan. After I saw Ryan in concert for the first time, I wrote him this song. I gave it to him the second time I saw him live. Ryan asked if I put music to the lyrics, and I said no. He asked if he could write a guitar part for it, and I said yes. My friend Colleen who usually plays guitar for me tried to put chords to it and told me it was too hard. And to be honest, I really had wanted to write a song with Ryan anyway, so it worked out perfectly! I spelled out his name during the bridge of the song, which I thought was creative.
Hey you with that acoustic guitar
Your long black hair and deep brown eyes
I love the way your voice is like
Golden sunshine in the deep blue summer skies
You connect with your fans
Through your music
And your band
I love everything you do
I want to be just like you
Every night
You sing me to sleep
You chase away
Bad thoughts that creep
Into my mind
Into my mind
You connect with your fans
Through your music
And your band
I love everything you do
I want to be just like you
R- Realized who I want to be
Y- You’re a role model to me
A- All the things you do
N- No one compares to you
Hey you with that acoustic guitar
Your long black hair and deep brown eyes
I just wanted to say
Thank you!
“Anesthesia”
“Anesthesia” is just a fun, poppy song I wrote because I’ve been under anesthesia so many times. I felt like I needed to make something good out of a bad situation. I’ve been under anesthesia at least 40 times in my life, I recently found an article where listening to music during surgery actually increasing recovery time and making the surgery go faster than the intended original length of time.
You ask if I'm ready to go
I say yes but my mind says no
I get on the stretcher
To basically go nowhere
Take a deep breath
It'll all be over soon
Breathe in close your eyes
Listen to the music in your head
The mask freaks me out
Suffocating me
I’m scared to see
How this will end
We get the OR
I turn the volume louder
When they put the mask over my face
I try to drift to my happy place
Breathe in close your eyes
Listen to the music in your head
The mask freaks me out
Suffocating me
I’m scared to see
How this will end
The last thought I have before I fall asleep
Is don't leave me I need you with me
Every OR is different but yet all the same
I wish I could stop
Playing this stupid game
“This Is Life”
“This Is Life” is about me reflecting on the past. Wondering what has happened in the past 18 years of my life and what could happen next.
You’re sitting alone
Thinking about everything
You’ve ever known
Wondering where time has gone
Are you ready to move on?
This is life
Things happen
We can't change the past
No matter what
We always want
Those memories to last
You're moving on
All the people
That you know
Have drifted apart
And are now gone
You're scared to see
Where Life takes you
And who you could be
This is life
Things happen
We can't change the past
No matter what
We always want
Those memories to last
Why does life have to hurt?
To the point where you
Don't know which way to turn
You feel like you should just move on
This is life
Things happen
We can't change the past
No matter what
We always want
Those memories to last
“Again”
“Again” is a song about me graduating from high school and reflecting on that year. My best friends going to college, and losing friends that weren’t who I thought they were.
In a shoebox on my bedroom floor
Are the memories I can't ignore
I wish I could let these go
But I'm just letting
My strong feelings show
We grow up
We leave this town
But we know
We'll be back around
Yeah we'll be
Back around
Again
It tears you apart
When you come home
To realize those friends
You had can break your heart
They're not who they used to be
And now you finally see
We grow up
We leave this town
But we know
We'll be back around
Yeah we'll be
Back around
Again
“BFF”
BFF is a recount of all the memories I’ve had with Ryan Dunson from Rookie of the Year. I met him in February of 2012 and the last time I saw him was February of 2013. I think it’s safe to say a lot has happened in a year and that I see him as much as I can.
A year ago we met
I know it's a night
I'll never forget
You changed my life
In so many ways
It's Nights like those
We have a blast
We always think
They go by too fast
Those little things you do
They mean so much to me
And I just wanted to show you
How much you’ve helped me through
The second time
I gave you
A song, a bracelet
And you did an interview
When you sang
My Ocean for me
Then came Team Rookie
To show how much I support you
And all that you do
Those little things you do
They mean so much to me
And I just wanted to show you
How much you’ve helped me through
The last night we hung out
You took me onstage
To sing with you
And then a few months later
Came the Goodnight Moon Part II
Those little things you do
They mean so much to me
And I just wanted to show you
How much you’ve helped me through
“Grandma’s Song (Goodbye)”
I lost someone who was like a grandmother to me on April 2nd 2013. She has been in my life since day one and I miss her a lot. She would come over for every birthday, Christmas and everything in between. The very last time I saw her was my 18th birthday.
You’ve been with me my whole life
But when I turned eighteen
Your health took a deep nosedive
My life will never be the same
Since you’ve gone away
But there was something
I never got to say
Goodbye
Every Christmas and birthday
You’d come over to celebrate
I wish you were still here
To see me cross the stage to graduate
My life will never be the same
Since you’ve gone away
But there was something
I never got to say
Goodbye
“Cinderella”
“Cinderella” is a song I wrote about the feeling I (and probably most fans) get when they go to concerts.
I wish I could go to that concert
But instead I'm stuck at home
I could be seeing my best friends
Instead of doing homework
So, I sneak out when no one's around
Hoping they don't find out I left town
My friend called me and said
Come with me you'll be back
Before you have to go to bed
I feel like Cinderella going to her ball
My parents forbid me to do this
So I don't bother to call
We get to the concert
And rush to find our find our favorite band
The lead singer gives me a warm hug
And then grabs my hand
How are you? He asks with a smile on his face
I'm great I reply now that I'm with my favorite people
At my favorite place
So, I sneak out when no one's around
Hoping they don't find out I left town
My friend called me and said
Come with me you'll be back
Before you have to go to bed
I feel like Cinderella going to her ball
My parents forbid me to do this
So I don't bother to call
He tells us he has to go play
He makes us promise that we will stay
We explained to him that we snuck out
And that when we get home
We'd get in trouble without a doubt
Two hours later the show is over
We say goodbye and get ready to leave
Bracing ourselves for the punishment
We will receive
So I left town
When no one was around
I truly felt like Cinderella at her ball
I hope they weren't expecting any calls
“Beautiful Imperfections (Braden’s Song)”
This is a song for Braden lead singer of the acoustic band, SayWeCanFly, thanking him for everything he does for his fans.
I wake up in the morning
It's one of those dark rainy days
I take a deep breath
And put a smile on my face
I won't let my imperfections get the best of me
‘Cause I know that's not what you want to see
You always say "you're not alone I struggle too"
‘Cause I feel like I was on my own, but now I know
I will make it through
When I struggle with depression and anxiety
I know you're always there for me
There's a lot of negative things I'd rather say
But your videos and posts help me get through the day
I won't let my imperfections get the best of me
Because I know that's not what you want to see
You always say "you're not alone I struggle too"
Because I feel like I was on my own, but now I know
I will make it through
“Dysthymia”
Dysthymia is a mild but chronic type of depression found in teens and young adults. For a while I actually thought I had dysthymia and my dad challenged me to write a poem without any repetition, so I wrote about my battle with depression.
These feelings that are inside of me
Is a disease that only I can see
Everyone thought I faked it for fun
Until it was me up against everyone
Some things I felt were anxiety
About who everyone wanted me to be
I would scream and lash out
Because the thoughts going through my head
We’re surrounded by negativity and self-doubt
I would lie to my teachers and say I don’t know
When I knew they didn’t believe how far I could go
The counselor suggested I try to change She said I’ll feel better
Over the summer I wrote her a really long letter
Explaining my sleeping problems
And how they’ve gotten really bad
And all the scary hallucinations I’ve had
My doctor put me on medication
To relieve the frustration
Listen to your body it’ll tell you how you feel
Cause one day the struggle could be very real
“Turn Back Time”
“Turn Back Time” is obviously self-explanatory. It’s about times I wish I could go back and change.
It was 2006 when we first met
I have to tell you I can't forget
If that love at first sight is really true
Then I have to say I felt it when I was with you
4 years later you felt the same
But I guess your "love" was all a huge game
4 times you broke up with me
For other girls you actually got to see
Few weeks later you messaged me and said
Our "relationship" was all a bet
I told you I wouldn't date you again
You asked if we could still be friends but.....
I wish I could
Turn back time
Everything would have changed
Maybe things would have been different
Or somehow the same
I wish I could
Jump out of my skin
To see your point of view
Things wouldn't have been so messed up
Sorry to say but it wasn't me,
It was always you
Those years in high school
Teachers fought against me
When I proved them wrong
No one thought it was cool
I wish I could
Turn back time
Everything would have changed
Maybe things would have been different
Or somehow the same
I wish I could
Jump out of my skin
To see your point of view
Things wouldn't have been so messed up
Sorry to say it wasn't me, it was always you
Epilogue
Writing this book has changed my perspective on life a little bit. I hope that I have made a connection with you as the reader. I wanted to tell you a little bit more about “my special connection” with music.
My musical taste has changed drastically since I’ve grown up. When I turned 14, I started listening to Bollywood music. Bollywood is the music and movie industry in India. How I got into Indian film and music is very random (to this day, I’m still not sure how I got into it). However, I have always liked Bollywood music and dance because of its culture. The music is upbeat and the clothing that the dancers wear are brightly colored. Bollywood movies are like musicals, filled with music and dancing.
When I was 16, I started listening to acoustic music and unsigned artists. Chase Coy, Plug In Stereo, The Ready Set, Rookie of the Year, SayWeCanFly, and Cady Groves are a few of my favorites.
When I was 18, I went to a concert to see “Rookie of the Year” live. Ryan (the lead singer) had taken me on stage with him for a song and that got me thinking. “If I can’t be a musician, why not help the people who are to further reach their goals? After that day on stage, I asked the promoter of that show why Ryan wanted to take me on stage. “He wanted to make it special for you,” she said. From that day, I realized I wanted to be a music promoter. I wanted other fans to have the same experience with their favorite bands as I have with mine.
How do I promote?
I promote online, using Facebook, Instagram, Email and my website. I check the bands’ Facebook pages daily to make sure I haven’t missed any new tours, album or any other announcements they may be posting. Every month, I send out updates via email asking them if they need anything along the lines of any flyers for upcoming shows, or any advertisements for online sales coming up. When a band posts new tour dates, the second I see it, I post the dates on my “Upcoming Events” link on my website. I promote bands because I feel that some bands aren’t getting the credit they deserve.
From September 2012 to December 2014, I promoted unsigned bands. In April 2014, I was even fortunate enough to put together a show with Rookie of the Year (the very first band I started to promote, and I occasionally still do today.) After a while, I started to feel like the bands weren’t acknowledge the things I was doing for them, and that I really wasn’t helping them that much at all. I started to feel like I was wasting my time so I stopped officially promoting bands and decided to do something else.
Making A Difference
In November of 2014, I started to “build” a campaign called Making A Difference. I realized I had specific purpose for the campaign. I was recovering from foot surgery and I couldn’t do much but lay in bed and listen to music. I was depressed and wondering why I put myself and my family through the pain of foot surgery. I was bored, depressed and I realized I wanted to do a campaign focused on mental health, bullying, physical health but most importantly, how many ways music impacts as us humans.
I have 3 specific goals for Making A Difference:
1. To travel around the country and present inspirational speaking tours based on topics such as bullying, self-advocacy, self-acceptance, mental health, and of course music. Right now, I’ve only done presentations in Upstate NY I’ve presented at the college of St. Rose, Lexington Nurturing Environment meetings, The Teen group through Lexington, and a mental health benefit concert at Johnstown High School.
2. Put together a workshop that brings together musicians, music therapists, mental health professionals, inspirational speakers and of course all of you, to show how many ways music impacts us as humans. (Come on, do you really want to hear me go over a PowerPoint on music????)
We would have the bands perform, then break into groups based on the messages in their songs. For example, if someone was struggling with depression, a band who talks about depression the band would break into a group with that person and others who feel the same way and talk about the message in their songs. There’s a band I listen to and they have a song called “Scars”. Basically, in the song they’re saying “you may be going through some hard times right now, and you may feel like cutting is the answer but trust me it gets better. No matter what you’re going through, it gets better and even if you have scars you’re still as beautiful as you were before you had those scars.” The bands would help you come up with some healthier coping techniques such as writing or drawing. I like to think musicians are the best counselors.
If a person is struggling with their identity, a musician who wears unique clothing and has a very unique hairstyle would talk about no matter what people say about you just be yourself. The key to happiness is comfort. Be comfortable in your own skin.
On September 26th 2015, I hosted an event about anti-bullying and Suicide prevention. The topic really meant a lot to me, because I’ve “been on both sides”. I’ve struggled with the same thoughts and feelings that everyone who goes through depression has. But, I’ve also known people who have gone through it, and I try to help in any way I can.
To me, music and mental health go hand in hand. It’s a safety net because it can be used to express how a person is feeling. I believe that musicians are the best counselors. Whenever I go to a concert if I get the chance, I always try to personally thank the musicians for everything they do.
John Wittlinger and his band City Under Siege came to Gloversville to play a charity event for anti-bullying and suicide prevention. I met john back in May of 2912 when he was on a tour with another friend of mine Ryan Dunson from the band Rookie of the Year. I had seen John at various concerts with Ryan since 2012 and came to the conclusion that they were "partners in crime". I would joke around with John about that because whenever I saw him, Ryan was with him.
When I planned this event in August I immediately asked John because they're from Buffalo NY and I hadn't seen him in about 6 months. I also asked Ryan if he was willing to come all the way from Raleigh to play because john was going to be there and they made a great team and they wrote some songs together, but he said no.
As the event got closer, I tried to think of some other bands who weren't busy, and who could fit into the theme of the event. I asked Beth Zajekowski an alumni from Gloversville if she wanted to perform at the event, but her manager could not put it together. She did however donate a merch basket for a raffle. I asked a high school band from Massachusetts if they wanted to play, and they said yes. I asked a band from Kingston NY if they wanted to play and they agreed.
A week before the event, the band from Kingston, messaged me and said they had to cancel because their drummer had a conflict. Then two days before the event the band from Massachusetts, cancelled because the person who was going to drive them down had a heart palpitation. That meant I had to find 2 bands and a PA system in a little more than 24 hours.
I asked the director of the Gloversville Senior center if I could borrow their PA system and they agreed. John texted me and said they found a band to open for them. But there was a lot of confusion.
When they got there City Under Siege set up, then Kerry Minor from the Leader herald inter viewed me. I told her about City Under Siege and how we were friends. I wanted her to interview John because we were friends and they drove all this way, they might as well get a little more publicity.
Restless Widow (a cover band from Saratoga) set up and played. After City Under Siege's amazing set, we did a raffle for Beth's merch basket, 2 of my Making A Difference bracelets, and 4 City Under Siege t shirts and CDs.
After the raffle we did a candlelight ceremony to honor the people who have committed suicide. It was awkward. We started with a moment of silence which felt like the longest moment of silence of my life. Then they wanted me to speak but I didn't know what to say considering I had no personal experience with the topic. But Cameron the drummer from City Under Siege spoke up and said that when he was in high school, he was in a band and a girl came up to him and told him that she was really close to taking her life, but she listened to his CD and his music saved her life and that's why he's still doing music today.
After the candlelight ceremony we all packed up. It was freezing and I didn't have a hoodie so I asked john to hug me for like 2 minutes. After we all packed up, the band my mom and I went to Taco Bell where my mom and I bought the band dinner as a thank you for playing tonight and so I could hang out with them before they had to leave. After dinner we went outside took some pictures for the road hugged and then they left.
When we got home, my mom said to me "you're getting to be full of surprises." I asked her "why?" She says "you don't really have many local friends yet people will drive 260 miles to support your cause......" I just smiled and hugged her. I could asked for a better night or better friends.
3 Raise money to make the world more accessible for those who need it like me. I feel that the world just doesn’t care about people with disabilities.
I went to an amusement park one day over last summer. In the past when I went they had a stool at my favorite ride for people who were too short to get on. This year they suddenly stopped providing stools at rides. The attendant at the ride called their supervisor who said they would bring a stool in half an hour. I waited 45 minutes and still no stool. I went to the Guest Relations filed a complaint and they said they would follow up with me, they never did. After every time I go they email me a survey to fill out and at the bottom I always write something along the lines of “make rides more accessible but it never happens. Someone needs to make a difference.
I want to take a moment to tell you about someone who has made a difference not only in my life but in others’ lives as well. Her name is Theresa Caputo, and she is the star of the popular TLC show “Long Island Medium”.
Long Island Medium Is about how Theresa has the gift to communicate with people who have “crossed over” or passed away. I have watched her show for the past 2 years, and I loved how real her show is as opposed to a lot of the other trash they show on TV these days like “My 600 Pound Life”, “My Five Wives” or “90 Day Fiancé”. It doesn’t matter if I believe in what she does or not, my favorite thing about her show is that she shows how she spends quality time with her family, and how she does group and private readings.
I’ve been to 2 live shows and met her twice. Let me just say, she’s just as warm and funny as she is on her show! It was almost like we were on an episode of the show and didn’t even know it! The first time I saw her, she picked me out of the crowd because I was the only one that night who had her book to sign. She complimented my dress and I asked if I could get a picture with her after the show.
The second time I saw her, I auditioned to sing the national anthem to open her show in Schenectady NY because I joined her fanclub. I didn’t win but when I walked in her management team recognized me! They asked me if I auditioned for the contest and said they loved my audition. I asked them if there was a possibility I could get my pictures from the previous show signed by Theresa and Larry. They said they would check and let me know. They wanted to know where I was sitting so they could find me if they could make it happen.
I showed them my ticket, but gave them my cell phone number just in case they couldn’t find me. It turns out, they didn’t need to find me. Theresa did it all on her own! She saw me sitting in the middle of the theatre, complimented my outfit (I was wearing the same dress as the last time to see if she would notice) and she asked if I wanted to go backstage after the show so she could sign my book.
At the end of the show I went backstage with Theresa, she signed my book, a few pictures, we got updated pictures, and I gave her, Larry, and her kids Making A Difference bracelets. She started to read the flyer I gave her on my campaign and she was so excited about it. She and Larry took a video of them saying that they pledged to make a difference, and then I had to leave.
About 3 days later, I received a message on my machine. “Hi, this message is for Rachel. This is Annie from Theresa Caputo’s Fanclub if you could call me back at this number, I would appreciate it. Thank you.” I called her the next morning and it turned out, Theresa had re-watched my audition tape after I saw her, and she personally asked if I wanted to sing the national anthem to open her show in Utica. I told them I had to check with my mom but I would let them know by the end of that day. I called my mom, told her the details, and she agreed.
Thank you Theresa for Making A Difference!
Please check out my website for more information or to book a presentation
www.pledgetomakingadifference.weebly.com
Together we can make a difference
Acknowledgements
A huge thank you to Colleen Gagne for helping me write my first song. A huge thank you to Trevor Dahl, Ryan Dunson, Braden Barrie, and Cady Groves for inspiring and influencing me lyrically.
Also, thank you to Tricia and Ryan for walking me through the ropes of music promotion and believing that I could pull the show off.
Thank you to Lexington Fulton County Chapter of NYSARC for helping me launch “Making A Difference”.
Music and How It Has Impacted My Life
Rachel Sproule
A Special Connection:
Music And How It’s Impacted My Life
Rachel E. Sproule ©2015 Rachel Sproule
All Rights Reserved
Contents
Dedication....................................................................................I
Prologue.......................................................................................II
Track 1: Suicide Alive...................................................................7
Track 2: Pieces of a Broken Heart................................................9
Track 3: More than Words Can Say...........................................11
Track 4: Never Say Goodbye......................................................13
Track 5: Believe This Is Goodbye................................................15
Track 6: Better Than You............................................................17
Track 7: Dear Trevor...................................................................19
Track 8: Role Model...................................................................21
Track 9: Anesthesia....................................................................23
Track 10: This Is Life...................................................................25
Track 11: BFF..............................................................................27
Track 12: Again...........................................................................29
Track 13: Grandma’s Song..........................................................31
Track 14: Cinderella....................................................................32
Track 15: Beautiful Imperfections (Braden’s Song)....................34
Track 16: Dysthymia...................................................................35
Track 17: Turn Back Time...........................................................36
Epilogue.....................................................................................38
About The Author......................................................................39
Dedication
For Colleen Gagne, who helped write my first song.
For Trevor Dahl, Ryan Dunson, and Braden Barrie who have influenced me lyrically.
Thank you, I love you!
Foreword (Prologue)
My name is Rachel Sproule. I’m 20 years old and live in Upstate NY. I’m not your average girl. I have a disability called Cerebral Palsy. Cerebral Palsy affects the part of the brain responsible for balance, vision, speech, and motor control. CP has affected my legs, impairing my balance and how I walk, fine motor skills in my left hand, my vision, and I have seizures. I also have a twin sister who has Cerebral palsy, but not to the same extent. If you looked at her, you wouldn’t be able to tell she even had a disability unless you asked her. But looking at me, you’d notice I walk with a walker, I have trouble with keeping eye contact with people because I have something called Nystagmus. Nystagmus literally means “an involuntary movement of the eyes”. So I can’t lie, sometimes I fake keeping eye contact with people just by looking at them but I think it’s pretty obvious. I’m also very quiet until you get to know me, then I pretty much don’t shut up! I may be kind of negative, but I don’t mean to.
When you live with a disability where you can’t see more than 6 feet in front of you, you can’t drive, have to rely on people to take you places, have had to go under anesthesia 2-3 times a year since you were 5 years old, and couldn’t take a shower independently like your twin sister until the age of 20 I think I have a little bit of room to be negative, don’t you ? Okay, I think I’m done now I just had to vent.
One thing my disabilities hasn’t affected is my love of music and singing. I’ve been in choir since I was in 6th grade, and I had a solo in 9th grade. I’ve also had the pleasure of singing on stage with one of my favorite bands. They’ve given me the confidence to get up in front of groups of people to sing or talk. Music has always been a very important part of my life. When I was younger, I listened to pop artists like Hilary Duff, Jesse McCartney, and Clay Aiken. When I was younger, I didn’t understand the meaning behind lyrics; I just really liked the artists because their songs were catchy and upbeat. When I was in 5th grade, I started listening to Celine Dion (and still do today.) My mom recalls that it was a lifelong dream to see Celine live in concert, and when I was 18 years old that dream was fulfilled!
My mom had asked me what I wanted for a graduation present since my sister got a car. It was sad to say at the time, but I said “I want to be able to go take a shower whenever I want. I hate having to wait for whenever it’s convenient for you or anybody else to help me. I hate having to rely on peoples’ schedules in order to SHOWER!” It’s a normal part of everyday life that shouldn’t need to be scheduled. My mom thought that was a reasonable request, but we both knew that wasn’t going to come overnight, or even in a week. “What else would you want?” she asked. “I want to go see Celine.” I said.
I remember I was in the room with her when she made the call to Las Vegas to purchase tickets, because I remember signaling to her to find a way to get a meet and greet. When she got off the phone, she handed me an email she wrote down that the box office gave her. When it got closer to the date I had sent the email 3 different emails with subjects that were destined to catch someone’s eye.
In the email we told them my name, my seat number and a little bit about how Celine has affected my life. We didn’t hear anything, and my mom even admitted to physically mailing the information to 1 or 2 of the producers of the show, which I didn’t even know about until later on. When we got to Vegas we went to the box office the day of the show to make sure the seats we ordered were in fact the seats we had. We started telling the lady at the box office Daniella, my story about how big of a fan of Celine I was. She thought it was adorable and she was touched and getting emotional.
“Sometimes her assistant comes through I can make sure someone gets this.” She said after she read the copy of the email we sent to the Celine VIP address.
“Really?” I asked excited.
“I can try.” Daniella said. “No promises though.”
When we left to go do the Titanic exhibit at another huge hotel in Vegas, (Ironic right? We did the Titanic exhibit on the day we were going to see Celine Dion and her trademark song is “My Heart Will Go On” from the movie Titanic! I had to laugh when I thought about the irony!) I was incredibly excited for the night ahead.
That night, we got to the theatre and it turned out the seats weren’t what we expected. The seats we were supposed to have were one was supposed to roll out so my wheelchair could go in because my mom didn’t want to risk losing my wheelchair 2,000 plus miles from home. The usher’s walkie-talkie didn’t work so she was arguing with my mom. In the middle of the argument, a lady came up and asked if I was Rachel. She was wearing a black shirt, a black lanyard that said Celine Dion on it and she had light blonde hair.
“I’m Lisa, I work for Celine. I read your email this morning.”
I was in shock. I honestly didn’t anyone would read it. “Is there a way I can meet Celine?” I asked.
“Unfortunately, she’s very busy before the show, and after the show she gets changed and goes home because she lives 45 minutes away.” Lisa said sadly.
“Oh, is there a way I can get her autograph?” I asked.
“Maybe, if you give me something for her to autograph and your address I might be able to send you something in the mail.”
I gave her a picture of Celine I bought in the Celine Dion store. And, of course my mom “happened” to have address labels in her purse.
“The first thing we’re going to do is change your seats.” Lisa says motioning for us to follow her. “How’s this?” she asks.
“Good.” I said.
“Enjoy the show!” she said walking away.
The show was amazing! The acoustics were incredible. The show seemed to go by too quick. Learning from experience it’s never a good idea to fight a large crowd with a wheelchair. While we were getting our stuff together, a man comes up behind me and says
“Miss Rachel?”
My mom told me later that he was the head usher because he was wearing a jacket and bowtie but I couldn’t tell because it was kind of dark. When I turned around I noticed that he was holding a black paper bag filled with tissue paper.
“Who’s it from?” I asked.
“Open it and find out!”
I opened the bag, pulled back the tissue paper and the first thing I saw was a picture of Celine that said “To Rachel- Love Celine xo …” Which I figured out was a show program. It also had a Celine Dion shirt, a CD, a magnet, a keychain, a pen, and a hat. Two weeks later I received the Celine picture I gave to Lisa in the mail.
The next day I took a picture in front of the Celine Dion poster wearing the shirt, baseball cap and I was holding her autograph before we had to catch our flight home.
I sent Lisa a picture of me with everything and a note thanking her for everything that night. I’m not sure if she ever got it but needless to say it was one of the best nights of my life.
When I was thirteen, I became depressed and involved myself more deeply in music. I started trying to focus on the lyrics more and tried to understand more of what the artist was saying (or what I thought they were trying to say). I can’t lie, sometimes I’ll listen to Hilary Duff once awhile because I can understand and relate to her old stuff. Sometimes you just have to. Ever since I was thirteen, I’ve been listening to music to help me get through the ups and downs of my adolescence. When I was fifteen, I started writing my own song lyrics.
When I was 15 I wrote my first song. Later in this book, I’ll explain who inspires my writing style, and the songs I write. I’ll also tell you how music has changed my life. In this book, you’ll find a little part of me. You’ll discover the music I grew up listening to, every song I have written, and the meanings behind them.
“Suicide Alive”
“Suicide Alive” was written based on the suicide of Tyler Clamenti in September of 2010. Tyler jumped off of a bridge because his roommate Dahrun Ravi took a video of him having sex with his boyfriend. Ravi’s punishment was 30 days in jail and living with the guilt of what he did. My song “Suicide Alive” is about a similar situation where a girl is also bullied. She uses a form of self-mutilation known as cutting to alleviate her stress. Her friends are the only ones who knew that she was cutting. One night she cut into herself too deep and ended up bleeding to death. This song is about the effect of bullying and what can happen if it goes too far.
One cut she would say
And I’ll be okay
She knew this was
A risk she had to take
She knew this was the day
But was too afraid to say
Her friends would just have to live with the ache
And she took that knife to her veins
The blood dripped down like the cold midnight rains
And that night she died
All because of suicide
Her friends thought about the love that she gave
As they were walking passed her dark abandoned grave
“Remember way back when” They would say
They thought about her memories everyday
They wondered why she felt like that
They found a letter to her sister Kat
And she took that knife to her veins
The blood dripped down like the cold midnight rains
And that night she died
All because of suicide
I just had to do it the letter said
No one saw the tears she shed
I felt like no one understood
Even if they thought they could
I felt like I never belonged here
I tried not to shed a single tear
I never answered my telephone
I felt like I was all alone
And she took that knife to her veins
The blood dripped down like the cold midnight rains
And that night she died
All because of suicide
“Pieces of a Broken Heart”
“Pieces of a Broken Heart” is pretty self-explanatory. My sister just ended things with her long distance boyfriend and since she doesn’t write poems or songs I thought I would. She would always ask me if she did the right thing, and she would wait for him to message her on Facebook because she was afraid to contact him first.
You feel like this is the end
You started as just friends
But can it ever mend?
You never knew it would turn out this way
You wonder day by day
Because there’s nothing left to say
You wonder what made you drift apart
You knew this long-distance would break your heart
Now you’re picking up the pieces
Pieces of a broken heart
You mope around the house for days
You miss his old ways
He knows he needs you
And you need him too
You text each other every night
After you turn out the light
You dream about the love he gave
You wonder what made you drift apart
You knew this long-distance would break your heart
Now you’re picking up the pieces
Pieces of a broken heart
You always ask if you did the right thing
You sit there waiting for your phone to ring
You always complain how you want him back
You wonder what made you drift apart
You knew this long-distance would break your heart
Now you’re picking up the pieces
Pieces of a broken heart
“More Than Words Can Say”
“More Than Words Can Say” is a song I wrote for my best friend Cate, and it says almost everything that we’ve done together in the six years we’ve known each other. I hope even after we graduate from high school we still remain friends.
Your friendship means so much
More than I can say
We have so many memories
I think about them everyday
We spend so much time together
No matter what weather
Remember the time went for a walk in the cold?
The things we do together never get old
Sitting on a swing listening to music all day
And wishing you didn’t have to go away
I wrote this song just tell you how much your friendship means to me
I’m just thinking back on memories
I don’t think I can tell you any other way
Because our friendship means more than words can say
Remember when we saw Black Veil Brides
And screamed when Andy was by our sides?
Remember going to boulevard
Or hanging out in my front yard
Remember going to the state fair?
And when I’d let you straighten my hair
I wrote this song just tell you how much your friendship means to me
I’m just thinking back on memories
I don’t think I can tell you any other way
Because our friendship means more than words can say
Remember looking at weird cards
That made us laugh really hard?
Staying at Boulevard for an hour
And coming home to you breaking my shower
The time we were at Crossgates Mall
And security guards chased us through the hall
I loved those little games
Thank God they didn’t ask for our names!
Remember taking weird pictures in the sun
And Andie making a Facebook album “eHarmony anyone?”
When we did the solo for Defying Gravity”
And almost every day you’d hang out with me
From 6th grade when we became friends
I hope our friendship never ends
“Never Say Goodbye”
“Never Say Goodbye” isn’t about a specific situation; it is really just a story that I wrote that ends on a positive note. “Suicide Alive”, on the other hand, is a story that ends negatively. This is about how suicide isn’t the answer. There’s always help.
You sit in your room
Ashamed of yourself
You look in the mirror
And cry out for help
Afraid of the face
Of the girl that you see
You’ve been running for years
So now run here to me
I’ll be your angel
To keep you alive
Whenever you need me
I’m right by your side
I’ll be your call
You don’t have to hide
From your problems forever
You’ll never have to say goodbye
You’re lying in bed
You can’t fall asleep
Tears on your pillow
From bad thoughts that creep
Your head starts to pound
To the beat of your heart
So you blast the best song
From the band Stellar Kart
I’ll be your angel
To keep you alive
Whenever you need me
I’m right by your side
I’ll be your call
You don’t have to hide
From your problems forever
You’ll never have to say goodbye
“Believe This Is Goodbye”
“Believe This Is Goodbye” is an apology song from my sister to her first boyfriend.
One night you were on the phone
You said I just want to be alone
You’re talking to that “Special Someone”
And you say
I believe this is goodbye
I think you know why
I’m sorry I let you go on that dark October night
The distance was just too much
And I’m sorry
I wish you would forgive me
I know it stopped at an abrupt end
I screwed up my life, my boyfriend
I know I said I was done
But I’ll try harder next time if there is one
I believe this is goodbye
I think you know why
I’m sorry I let you go on that dark October night
The distance was just too much
And I’m sorry
I wish you would forgive me
If only I could bring back the past
Wishing that kiss wasn’t our last
I know what I did was wrong
So I wrote this apology in a song
“Better Than You”
“Better Than You” is a song I wrote for my ex-boyfriend after he broke up with me for the 4th time. We would continually break up because he wanted to date girls from his school. Once he even dumped me for some girl he didn’t know in an online chat room. After a few days he tried to apologize, saying the girl lied about who she really was, and that he wanted me back (yeah right). So obviously, I said “no way” and wrote this song.
Meeting you four years ago
It took me awhile
To let you know
I loved you
I knew you loved me too
But you kept breaking us up
I’m done with your game
Hiding everything
But the pain still hurt the same
After the third time I knew
I could do better than you
Between us were many highway miles
It tore us apart
Then you decided
To break my heart
I knew you loved me too
But you kept breaking us up
I’m done with your game
Hiding everything
But the pain still hurt the same
After the third time I knew
I could do better than you
“Dear Trevor”
“Dear Trevor” is basically a thank-you note to an artist named Trevor, who I’ve had the pleasure of meeting. I gave him this song when I met him in November of 2011 and he told me no one had ever done that for him before. When I saw him in January, I asked him if he remembered the song I gave him and he said, “Yes, in fact this might sound weird, but I keep it in my wallet!” He took the song out of his wallet that I gave him 3 months earlier. I was shocked, but it was a great feeling knowing that such a small gesture from one of his fans meant so much to him.
Dear Trevor
There’s so much I want to say
But I can’t find a good way
I admire everything you do
I want to be just like you
Ever since coming across your music
You’ve pushed me to follow my dreams
No matter how hard it seems
There’s one thing left to say
Thank you
I played a song for a talent show
I felt like I had to let this dream go
I made mistakes in front of a huge crowd
At the end they cheered so loud
They gave me a standing ovation
I felt Determination
To keep trying
Ever since coming across your music
You’ve pushed me to follow my dreams
No matter how hard it seems
There’s one thing left to say
Thank you
Many times I’ve felt like
This was a waste of my time
I feel like this is something I can never do
I wish I could record a song with you
“Role Model”
“Role Model” is another thank you song for an artist named Ryan. After I saw Ryan in concert for the first time, I wrote him this song. I gave it to him the second time I saw him live. Ryan asked if I put music to the lyrics, and I said no. He asked if he could write a guitar part for it, and I said yes. My friend Colleen who usually plays guitar for me tried to put chords to it and told me it was too hard. And to be honest, I really had wanted to write a song with Ryan anyway, so it worked out perfectly! I spelled out his name during the bridge of the song, which I thought was creative.
Hey you with that acoustic guitar
Your long black hair and deep brown eyes
I love the way your voice is like
Golden sunshine in the deep blue summer skies
You connect with your fans
Through your music
And your band
I love everything you do
I want to be just like you
Every night
You sing me to sleep
You chase away
Bad thoughts that creep
Into my mind
Into my mind
You connect with your fans
Through your music
And your band
I love everything you do
I want to be just like you
R- Realized who I want to be
Y- You’re a role model to me
A- All the things you do
N- No one compares to you
Hey you with that acoustic guitar
Your long black hair and deep brown eyes
I just wanted to say
Thank you!
“Anesthesia”
“Anesthesia” is just a fun, poppy song I wrote because I’ve been under anesthesia so many times. I felt like I needed to make something good out of a bad situation. I’ve been under anesthesia at least 40 times in my life, I recently found an article where listening to music during surgery actually increasing recovery time and making the surgery go faster than the intended original length of time.
You ask if I'm ready to go
I say yes but my mind says no
I get on the stretcher
To basically go nowhere
Take a deep breath
It'll all be over soon
Breathe in close your eyes
Listen to the music in your head
The mask freaks me out
Suffocating me
I’m scared to see
How this will end
We get the OR
I turn the volume louder
When they put the mask over my face
I try to drift to my happy place
Breathe in close your eyes
Listen to the music in your head
The mask freaks me out
Suffocating me
I’m scared to see
How this will end
The last thought I have before I fall asleep
Is don't leave me I need you with me
Every OR is different but yet all the same
I wish I could stop
Playing this stupid game
“This Is Life”
“This Is Life” is about me reflecting on the past. Wondering what has happened in the past 18 years of my life and what could happen next.
You’re sitting alone
Thinking about everything
You’ve ever known
Wondering where time has gone
Are you ready to move on?
This is life
Things happen
We can't change the past
No matter what
We always want
Those memories to last
You're moving on
All the people
That you know
Have drifted apart
And are now gone
You're scared to see
Where Life takes you
And who you could be
This is life
Things happen
We can't change the past
No matter what
We always want
Those memories to last
Why does life have to hurt?
To the point where you
Don't know which way to turn
You feel like you should just move on
This is life
Things happen
We can't change the past
No matter what
We always want
Those memories to last
“Again”
“Again” is a song about me graduating from high school and reflecting on that year. My best friends going to college, and losing friends that weren’t who I thought they were.
In a shoebox on my bedroom floor
Are the memories I can't ignore
I wish I could let these go
But I'm just letting
My strong feelings show
We grow up
We leave this town
But we know
We'll be back around
Yeah we'll be
Back around
Again
It tears you apart
When you come home
To realize those friends
You had can break your heart
They're not who they used to be
And now you finally see
We grow up
We leave this town
But we know
We'll be back around
Yeah we'll be
Back around
Again
“BFF”
BFF is a recount of all the memories I’ve had with Ryan Dunson from Rookie of the Year. I met him in February of 2012 and the last time I saw him was February of 2013. I think it’s safe to say a lot has happened in a year and that I see him as much as I can.
A year ago we met
I know it's a night
I'll never forget
You changed my life
In so many ways
It's Nights like those
We have a blast
We always think
They go by too fast
Those little things you do
They mean so much to me
And I just wanted to show you
How much you’ve helped me through
The second time
I gave you
A song, a bracelet
And you did an interview
When you sang
My Ocean for me
Then came Team Rookie
To show how much I support you
And all that you do
Those little things you do
They mean so much to me
And I just wanted to show you
How much you’ve helped me through
The last night we hung out
You took me onstage
To sing with you
And then a few months later
Came the Goodnight Moon Part II
Those little things you do
They mean so much to me
And I just wanted to show you
How much you’ve helped me through
“Grandma’s Song (Goodbye)”
I lost someone who was like a grandmother to me on April 2nd 2013. She has been in my life since day one and I miss her a lot. She would come over for every birthday, Christmas and everything in between. The very last time I saw her was my 18th birthday.
You’ve been with me my whole life
But when I turned eighteen
Your health took a deep nosedive
My life will never be the same
Since you’ve gone away
But there was something
I never got to say
Goodbye
Every Christmas and birthday
You’d come over to celebrate
I wish you were still here
To see me cross the stage to graduate
My life will never be the same
Since you’ve gone away
But there was something
I never got to say
Goodbye
“Cinderella”
“Cinderella” is a song I wrote about the feeling I (and probably most fans) get when they go to concerts.
I wish I could go to that concert
But instead I'm stuck at home
I could be seeing my best friends
Instead of doing homework
So, I sneak out when no one's around
Hoping they don't find out I left town
My friend called me and said
Come with me you'll be back
Before you have to go to bed
I feel like Cinderella going to her ball
My parents forbid me to do this
So I don't bother to call
We get to the concert
And rush to find our find our favorite band
The lead singer gives me a warm hug
And then grabs my hand
How are you? He asks with a smile on his face
I'm great I reply now that I'm with my favorite people
At my favorite place
So, I sneak out when no one's around
Hoping they don't find out I left town
My friend called me and said
Come with me you'll be back
Before you have to go to bed
I feel like Cinderella going to her ball
My parents forbid me to do this
So I don't bother to call
He tells us he has to go play
He makes us promise that we will stay
We explained to him that we snuck out
And that when we get home
We'd get in trouble without a doubt
Two hours later the show is over
We say goodbye and get ready to leave
Bracing ourselves for the punishment
We will receive
So I left town
When no one was around
I truly felt like Cinderella at her ball
I hope they weren't expecting any calls
“Beautiful Imperfections (Braden’s Song)”
This is a song for Braden lead singer of the acoustic band, SayWeCanFly, thanking him for everything he does for his fans.
I wake up in the morning
It's one of those dark rainy days
I take a deep breath
And put a smile on my face
I won't let my imperfections get the best of me
‘Cause I know that's not what you want to see
You always say "you're not alone I struggle too"
‘Cause I feel like I was on my own, but now I know
I will make it through
When I struggle with depression and anxiety
I know you're always there for me
There's a lot of negative things I'd rather say
But your videos and posts help me get through the day
I won't let my imperfections get the best of me
Because I know that's not what you want to see
You always say "you're not alone I struggle too"
Because I feel like I was on my own, but now I know
I will make it through
“Dysthymia”
Dysthymia is a mild but chronic type of depression found in teens and young adults. For a while I actually thought I had dysthymia and my dad challenged me to write a poem without any repetition, so I wrote about my battle with depression.
These feelings that are inside of me
Is a disease that only I can see
Everyone thought I faked it for fun
Until it was me up against everyone
Some things I felt were anxiety
About who everyone wanted me to be
I would scream and lash out
Because the thoughts going through my head
We’re surrounded by negativity and self-doubt
I would lie to my teachers and say I don’t know
When I knew they didn’t believe how far I could go
The counselor suggested I try to change She said I’ll feel better
Over the summer I wrote her a really long letter
Explaining my sleeping problems
And how they’ve gotten really bad
And all the scary hallucinations I’ve had
My doctor put me on medication
To relieve the frustration
Listen to your body it’ll tell you how you feel
Cause one day the struggle could be very real
“Turn Back Time”
“Turn Back Time” is obviously self-explanatory. It’s about times I wish I could go back and change.
It was 2006 when we first met
I have to tell you I can't forget
If that love at first sight is really true
Then I have to say I felt it when I was with you
4 years later you felt the same
But I guess your "love" was all a huge game
4 times you broke up with me
For other girls you actually got to see
Few weeks later you messaged me and said
Our "relationship" was all a bet
I told you I wouldn't date you again
You asked if we could still be friends but.....
I wish I could
Turn back time
Everything would have changed
Maybe things would have been different
Or somehow the same
I wish I could
Jump out of my skin
To see your point of view
Things wouldn't have been so messed up
Sorry to say but it wasn't me,
It was always you
Those years in high school
Teachers fought against me
When I proved them wrong
No one thought it was cool
I wish I could
Turn back time
Everything would have changed
Maybe things would have been different
Or somehow the same
I wish I could
Jump out of my skin
To see your point of view
Things wouldn't have been so messed up
Sorry to say it wasn't me, it was always you
Epilogue
Writing this book has changed my perspective on life a little bit. I hope that I have made a connection with you as the reader. I wanted to tell you a little bit more about “my special connection” with music.
My musical taste has changed drastically since I’ve grown up. When I turned 14, I started listening to Bollywood music. Bollywood is the music and movie industry in India. How I got into Indian film and music is very random (to this day, I’m still not sure how I got into it). However, I have always liked Bollywood music and dance because of its culture. The music is upbeat and the clothing that the dancers wear are brightly colored. Bollywood movies are like musicals, filled with music and dancing.
When I was 16, I started listening to acoustic music and unsigned artists. Chase Coy, Plug In Stereo, The Ready Set, Rookie of the Year, SayWeCanFly, and Cady Groves are a few of my favorites.
When I was 18, I went to a concert to see “Rookie of the Year” live. Ryan (the lead singer) had taken me on stage with him for a song and that got me thinking. “If I can’t be a musician, why not help the people who are to further reach their goals? After that day on stage, I asked the promoter of that show why Ryan wanted to take me on stage. “He wanted to make it special for you,” she said. From that day, I realized I wanted to be a music promoter. I wanted other fans to have the same experience with their favorite bands as I have with mine.
How do I promote?
I promote online, using Facebook, Instagram, Email and my website. I check the bands’ Facebook pages daily to make sure I haven’t missed any new tours, album or any other announcements they may be posting. Every month, I send out updates via email asking them if they need anything along the lines of any flyers for upcoming shows, or any advertisements for online sales coming up. When a band posts new tour dates, the second I see it, I post the dates on my “Upcoming Events” link on my website. I promote bands because I feel that some bands aren’t getting the credit they deserve.
From September 2012 to December 2014, I promoted unsigned bands. In April 2014, I was even fortunate enough to put together a show with Rookie of the Year (the very first band I started to promote, and I occasionally still do today.) After a while, I started to feel like the bands weren’t acknowledge the things I was doing for them, and that I really wasn’t helping them that much at all. I started to feel like I was wasting my time so I stopped officially promoting bands and decided to do something else.
Making A Difference
In November of 2014, I started to “build” a campaign called Making A Difference. I realized I had specific purpose for the campaign. I was recovering from foot surgery and I couldn’t do much but lay in bed and listen to music. I was depressed and wondering why I put myself and my family through the pain of foot surgery. I was bored, depressed and I realized I wanted to do a campaign focused on mental health, bullying, physical health but most importantly, how many ways music impacts as us humans.
I have 3 specific goals for Making A Difference:
1. To travel around the country and present inspirational speaking tours based on topics such as bullying, self-advocacy, self-acceptance, mental health, and of course music. Right now, I’ve only done presentations in Upstate NY I’ve presented at the college of St. Rose, Lexington Nurturing Environment meetings, The Teen group through Lexington, and a mental health benefit concert at Johnstown High School.
2. Put together a workshop that brings together musicians, music therapists, mental health professionals, inspirational speakers and of course all of you, to show how many ways music impacts us as humans. (Come on, do you really want to hear me go over a PowerPoint on music????)
We would have the bands perform, then break into groups based on the messages in their songs. For example, if someone was struggling with depression, a band who talks about depression the band would break into a group with that person and others who feel the same way and talk about the message in their songs. There’s a band I listen to and they have a song called “Scars”. Basically, in the song they’re saying “you may be going through some hard times right now, and you may feel like cutting is the answer but trust me it gets better. No matter what you’re going through, it gets better and even if you have scars you’re still as beautiful as you were before you had those scars.” The bands would help you come up with some healthier coping techniques such as writing or drawing. I like to think musicians are the best counselors.
If a person is struggling with their identity, a musician who wears unique clothing and has a very unique hairstyle would talk about no matter what people say about you just be yourself. The key to happiness is comfort. Be comfortable in your own skin.
On September 26th 2015, I hosted an event about anti-bullying and Suicide prevention. The topic really meant a lot to me, because I’ve “been on both sides”. I’ve struggled with the same thoughts and feelings that everyone who goes through depression has. But, I’ve also known people who have gone through it, and I try to help in any way I can.
To me, music and mental health go hand in hand. It’s a safety net because it can be used to express how a person is feeling. I believe that musicians are the best counselors. Whenever I go to a concert if I get the chance, I always try to personally thank the musicians for everything they do.
John Wittlinger and his band City Under Siege came to Gloversville to play a charity event for anti-bullying and suicide prevention. I met john back in May of 2912 when he was on a tour with another friend of mine Ryan Dunson from the band Rookie of the Year. I had seen John at various concerts with Ryan since 2012 and came to the conclusion that they were "partners in crime". I would joke around with John about that because whenever I saw him, Ryan was with him.
When I planned this event in August I immediately asked John because they're from Buffalo NY and I hadn't seen him in about 6 months. I also asked Ryan if he was willing to come all the way from Raleigh to play because john was going to be there and they made a great team and they wrote some songs together, but he said no.
As the event got closer, I tried to think of some other bands who weren't busy, and who could fit into the theme of the event. I asked Beth Zajekowski an alumni from Gloversville if she wanted to perform at the event, but her manager could not put it together. She did however donate a merch basket for a raffle. I asked a high school band from Massachusetts if they wanted to play, and they said yes. I asked a band from Kingston NY if they wanted to play and they agreed.
A week before the event, the band from Kingston, messaged me and said they had to cancel because their drummer had a conflict. Then two days before the event the band from Massachusetts, cancelled because the person who was going to drive them down had a heart palpitation. That meant I had to find 2 bands and a PA system in a little more than 24 hours.
I asked the director of the Gloversville Senior center if I could borrow their PA system and they agreed. John texted me and said they found a band to open for them. But there was a lot of confusion.
When they got there City Under Siege set up, then Kerry Minor from the Leader herald inter viewed me. I told her about City Under Siege and how we were friends. I wanted her to interview John because we were friends and they drove all this way, they might as well get a little more publicity.
Restless Widow (a cover band from Saratoga) set up and played. After City Under Siege's amazing set, we did a raffle for Beth's merch basket, 2 of my Making A Difference bracelets, and 4 City Under Siege t shirts and CDs.
After the raffle we did a candlelight ceremony to honor the people who have committed suicide. It was awkward. We started with a moment of silence which felt like the longest moment of silence of my life. Then they wanted me to speak but I didn't know what to say considering I had no personal experience with the topic. But Cameron the drummer from City Under Siege spoke up and said that when he was in high school, he was in a band and a girl came up to him and told him that she was really close to taking her life, but she listened to his CD and his music saved her life and that's why he's still doing music today.
After the candlelight ceremony we all packed up. It was freezing and I didn't have a hoodie so I asked john to hug me for like 2 minutes. After we all packed up, the band my mom and I went to Taco Bell where my mom and I bought the band dinner as a thank you for playing tonight and so I could hang out with them before they had to leave. After dinner we went outside took some pictures for the road hugged and then they left.
When we got home, my mom said to me "you're getting to be full of surprises." I asked her "why?" She says "you don't really have many local friends yet people will drive 260 miles to support your cause......" I just smiled and hugged her. I could asked for a better night or better friends.
3 Raise money to make the world more accessible for those who need it like me. I feel that the world just doesn’t care about people with disabilities.
I went to an amusement park one day over last summer. In the past when I went they had a stool at my favorite ride for people who were too short to get on. This year they suddenly stopped providing stools at rides. The attendant at the ride called their supervisor who said they would bring a stool in half an hour. I waited 45 minutes and still no stool. I went to the Guest Relations filed a complaint and they said they would follow up with me, they never did. After every time I go they email me a survey to fill out and at the bottom I always write something along the lines of “make rides more accessible but it never happens. Someone needs to make a difference.
I want to take a moment to tell you about someone who has made a difference not only in my life but in others’ lives as well. Her name is Theresa Caputo, and she is the star of the popular TLC show “Long Island Medium”.
Long Island Medium Is about how Theresa has the gift to communicate with people who have “crossed over” or passed away. I have watched her show for the past 2 years, and I loved how real her show is as opposed to a lot of the other trash they show on TV these days like “My 600 Pound Life”, “My Five Wives” or “90 Day Fiancé”. It doesn’t matter if I believe in what she does or not, my favorite thing about her show is that she shows how she spends quality time with her family, and how she does group and private readings.
I’ve been to 2 live shows and met her twice. Let me just say, she’s just as warm and funny as she is on her show! It was almost like we were on an episode of the show and didn’t even know it! The first time I saw her, she picked me out of the crowd because I was the only one that night who had her book to sign. She complimented my dress and I asked if I could get a picture with her after the show.
The second time I saw her, I auditioned to sing the national anthem to open her show in Schenectady NY because I joined her fanclub. I didn’t win but when I walked in her management team recognized me! They asked me if I auditioned for the contest and said they loved my audition. I asked them if there was a possibility I could get my pictures from the previous show signed by Theresa and Larry. They said they would check and let me know. They wanted to know where I was sitting so they could find me if they could make it happen.
I showed them my ticket, but gave them my cell phone number just in case they couldn’t find me. It turns out, they didn’t need to find me. Theresa did it all on her own! She saw me sitting in the middle of the theatre, complimented my outfit (I was wearing the same dress as the last time to see if she would notice) and she asked if I wanted to go backstage after the show so she could sign my book.
At the end of the show I went backstage with Theresa, she signed my book, a few pictures, we got updated pictures, and I gave her, Larry, and her kids Making A Difference bracelets. She started to read the flyer I gave her on my campaign and she was so excited about it. She and Larry took a video of them saying that they pledged to make a difference, and then I had to leave.
About 3 days later, I received a message on my machine. “Hi, this message is for Rachel. This is Annie from Theresa Caputo’s Fanclub if you could call me back at this number, I would appreciate it. Thank you.” I called her the next morning and it turned out, Theresa had re-watched my audition tape after I saw her, and she personally asked if I wanted to sing the national anthem to open her show in Utica. I told them I had to check with my mom but I would let them know by the end of that day. I called my mom, told her the details, and she agreed.
Thank you Theresa for Making A Difference!
Please check out my website for more information or to book a presentation
www.pledgetomakingadifference.weebly.com
Together we can make a difference
Acknowledgements
A huge thank you to Colleen Gagne for helping me write my first song. A huge thank you to Trevor Dahl, Ryan Dunson, Braden Barrie, and Cady Groves for inspiring and influencing me lyrically.
Also, thank you to Tricia and Ryan for walking me through the ropes of music promotion and believing that I could pull the show off.
Thank you to Lexington Fulton County Chapter of NYSARC for helping me launch “Making A Difference”.